I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
