When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
