Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
