Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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