I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
