his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
