So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I didn't notice because vodka
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
We smell like vodka and hangover
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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