I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
