A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
