I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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