I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
