k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i just had sex bonerless
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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