I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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