Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Farmville is her only friend.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
