You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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