I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm just crazy horny about you
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
