I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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