I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
