why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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