I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
