We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
