I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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