he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
