Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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