I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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