Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
