You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
