Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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