Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
