you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
