How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
