dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
