she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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