I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
