i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
