Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
