Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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