So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
