I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
