sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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