i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
