I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
