end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Mom said you looked used
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Is Oprah even human
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
