hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
