Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
