We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
