just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
