Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
