Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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