Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so let's talk penis.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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