well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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